November provides several anniversaries for me to navigate. Some are positive and some are painful, all for different reasons. I wanted to share a few with you, as people frequently ask me how to acknowledge or observe an anniversary that is particularly significant to them, when someone has died. We can often feel anxious regarding a birthday, date of death or another important date, e.g. Christmas, Remembrance Day or an annual family event.
Today, 28th November 2024, it would’ve been our dog Wilber’s 12th birthday. Sadly, he died in May this year and so we cannot celebrate in the same way. People shower their pets with presents, treats and perhaps even animal friendly cake on their birthdays. For Wilber, it would’ve been a new yellow tennis ball wrapped up in paper so he could shred it as he opened his surprise package! He loved that. We would tidy up all the shredded paper and put it in a rubbish bag and he would poke his nose into that bag and remove it all again and again. His favourite game and we played along. We miss Wilber so much, so we intend to honour his memory and celebrate his life in a variety of ways.
Firstly, I’ve donated some of my pet loss books to animal rescue and rehoming centres this week, and to the vet practice and pet crematorium who cared for Wilber at the end of his life. Without his untimely death these books would not have been written or published this year. Using my own grief as an incentive, I wanted to share knowledge and guidance about involving children and young people in delicate conversations around pet loss. It’s so important. These companion animals are members of our family.
Secondly, we intend to spread most of his ashes at a local beauty spot where he loved walking and sniffing all the rabbit holes in the hedgerows! His ashes have been sat in a scattering tube under our bed for months, whilst we contemplated what to do with them. Wilber often used to sleep in that spot, as it was his safe haven from the very first day we adopted him from the Dogs Trust years ago. Additionally, a small amount of his ashes will be made into seed balls, so we can plant them in our garden and watch them grow – life after death. I think Wilber would be happy with our plans, and it gives us chance to acknowledge the pain of loss we feel every day without him. Our plans will provide us with places to visit, plants to enjoy and we’ll know that useful bereavement books, commemorating his story, have been shared.
Other anniversaries this month include another first. My uncle died in July this year and it was his birthday last week, but our celebrations were muted. My uncle never forgot a family birthday and he loved getting cards and messages from us on his special day. I will particularly miss receiving his e-birthday cards and messages in the future. He adored cheese scones, and I used to love seeing his face light up when my sister arrived with a dozen freshly-baked ones just for him. They never lasted long! So, in celebration of my uncle I’ve started a new tradition in his memory, in that I will eat a cheese scone every year on his birthday. It gives me a chance to enjoy a treat but also to remember him and smile. A happy memory that I will preserve and cherish on his anniversaries – his birthday or date of his death. In fact, any time I want to remember him.
The lead up to an anniversary can sometimes be a particularly challenging time for us, but the day itself is often not as bad as we expect. We are likely to shed tears, yearn for our loved one and struggle to make sense of our loss. As we mourn, we need to take time to acknowledge how important they were to us and be grateful for the love they gave us, simply by being who they were. We can choose to mark anniversaries and remember our loved ones in so many ways, e.g. by lighting candles in their memory, enjoying family time together with a walk or shared meal or any other new tradition we want to introduce. It’s about deciding on what is fitting for that person or pet. It’s important to involve children and young people in these discussions and plans too, so they can also take some time to reflect and remember in a way that helps them.
So, my question to you is how are you going to acknowledge, mark or celebrate an anniversary or poignant date connected to your loved one? Let your imagination soar as you decide on your memorial plans and don’t forget to look after yourself. Self-care is so important as we grieve.
And finally, another special anniversary I want to remember this month is that it’s two years since I debuted as a children’s author with the launch of my three-book collection detailing Ellie, Ben and Alex’s experiences after the death of their mum. I launched the books to coincide with the annual Children’s Grief Awareness Week and I did the same this year with my Saying Goodbye to Wilber book and accompanying Saying Goodbye: My Pet Memory Journal. I feel huge gratitude, as the feedback I've received tells me that these books are making a difference to bereaved children’s lives. Thank you to everyone who has helped me on my author journey. It is appreciated.
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